4. Theodore: The Trial and Error Of a Solid Start and A Devastatingly Pre-emptive Sexual Comment


The Trial:

Theodore was a suitor I met for once in the real world as opposed to online. He was a tall, hot, older surfer looking type but didn’t sound like a smoke-infused idiot. He was postering for a festival and started asking about our selection of sunglasses which he had bought from a couple of years earlier. Theodore then proceeded to make a big deal out of every item he picked up in the shop, asking questions and talking about how cool everything was, and that he is a stuntman in the film industry and owns a production company so a lot of my out-there merchandise would be perfect for. Now, any shop owner or probably any entrepreneur should know, complimenting my merchandise to great length is the faster way to my heart.

As I offer to take his number to call him when the new shipment of sunglasses arrives, he also sneaks in “And if you want to get a drink, you can use my number for that, too.”

With the flash of a flirtatious smile, I reply with “Maybe I will.”

The Error:

Plain and simple, Theodore said the wrong thing in a text. Texting has taken the excitement out of dating due the expressionless banter with limited characters. Leading up to getting to know someone’s personality by the short phonecall once or twice before you go out gives you a feel for their humor and their character before you actually spend time with them, and this quality is lost in text.

When I called Theodore to tell him that our sunglasses were now in stock, he didn’t answer and didn’t have voicemail so rather than keep calling him every day, I texted him. It was all business, despite my attraction to him, in order to maintain professionalism in the event where he was now dating someone, changed his mind, etc:

Hi, it’s Juliette from the shop, our sunglasses came in so you can call me back on this number or at the shop at blah blah blah.

He responds by text instead of phone, which was clearly not my wish. I am sure that some people probably think that texting is more personal because it is something that you do with your friends, well get that out of your head if you are interested in someone. Texting only fits into dating when you have already gone out and already have some knowledge of each other’s texting habits, and have some degree of understanding of each other’s intentions. Theodore did not have any idea of my intentions, since when he suggested we out I said maybe. I didn’t say yes.

In the text, Theodore shortens my name. It is probably uncommon that anyone else would notice such a small nuance, but I do not particularly like being called by the shortened version of my name, so I don’t ever introduce or refer to myself as such. Needless to say, I find it presumptuous of people who don’t know me to call me by something other than the name I gave them to call me, but it is definitely something I can look over if I have no reason to bring up my annoyance. My friends call me this name, my customers do, I can deal with it, but it doesn’t make it any less irritating that if you introduce yourself as Michael, I would not call you Mike because clearly there is a reason you don’t introduce yourself as Mike.

In the span of 10 or 15 short words, Theodore pitches and gets all 3 strikes out. The text itself was strike one, calling me by a name I don’t like was the second. But the third strike was the icing on top and the cherry on top of the cake of doom. After the name drop greeting, his text said:

I’ll come check out your shades tomorrow. Hugs and licks

Who the hell does this guy think he is? No. Who the hell does this guy think he’s talking to? That is the more important question. I quickly searched my mind for a way that the word licks was a predictive text typo, or that it held some reference that wasn’t what the most obvious implication pointed to: he thought I was easy and that I was already in the bag. Gasp.

Let the record show that I am a hard cookie to crack and there is a series of gauntlet-like obstacles one must achieve before attaining a sexual relationship with me. Theodore didn’t know this. Most men don’t know this, and why would they. But on the other hand, why would they assume I would be up for it before I have even officially agreed to go out with them? They think I’m a slut! Gooooood grief.

And that is how I responded: Good grief Theodore, take it easy or I will ban you from my shop!!!

Without barely a hesitation, I texted back my exact feelings with a mild sugar coating with the understanding that this guy might still actually come in tomorrow to see these sunglasses, so I needed to keep it light enough for him to still come get the if that was what he wanted. The customer is not always right, and misjudgements should be set straight. But I am in business, after all.

He responds with some saving-face type messages and I reply with the consistency I am known for, not backing down, but trying to add exclamations and attempts to filter humor into the awkward situation.

Theodore does not show up the next day. Theodore does not ever text back, nor come back. Theodore probably meets girls every day and says things like this to them, and most girls are probably up for it because Theodore is a tall hot older surfer guy who doesn’t sound like a smoke-infused idiot. Theodore probably scores all theTheodoree by being forthcoming with his intentions, but frankly, I do not think a guy scores classy girls (underline classy) by referencing the girl’s vagina on first impulse. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is why I am perpetually single, and everybody is getting more action than me.

The Moral Of the Story:

Theodore, you might be a hot piece of ass but you has lessons to learn about how to speak respectably to women. Not every woman is turned on by your promiscuous jargon, some women are scared that you have sexually transmitted infections. Some women are used to being up on a pedestal and don’t intend to lower their delusions of royalty for anyone, no matter how attractive or experienced. Be respectful Theodore, and maybe I would have given it up. Maybe if you had called me back and talked about sunglasses innocently, and shown up the next day as planned and asked me out on a specific date to which I would have definitely said yes, maybe you would have dazzled me with your charm and I would have gone against everything I currently stand for and slept with you. It is the gentleman who gives special treatment who will attain special treatment from a woman. If you can make me feel like I want to be closer to you, I will want to be closer to you. Acting like a goddamn dirtbag presuming a girl wants to bang isn’t going to get you quality. It will get you quantity Theodore, so if that is what you are after, high fucking five.


Anonymous and hassle-free, Juliette gives her honest opinion regarding online dating, and modern relationships. All questions submitted will be answered no matter how idiotic, or sexist, or crass, or naive, or bewildering. So don’t be scared…no one will know it’s you she’s mouthing off to if you ask a question you can’t ask anybody else. Juliette wants to scream her advice over the rooftops for the good of all mankind, so bring forth your questions dear readers! Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to Juliette’s blog to ensure you get your answer.


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