Article 4. Stefan Helicopter: Your Trial and MANY Errors Let On By My Non-prejudiced Willingness to Go Out With A Jock.
The Trial: What was I thinking, you ask. Well my dear reader, I wrote a rant not that long ago about how I don’t have a type, (but moreso because I would like to have current material for my writing) it seemed quite reasonable that I could go out with a skydiving, beach loving, helicopting type and not find him totally repugnant.
Stefan was one of those guys I started talking to on pof because he was attractive enough and I was running out of options on the back burner at the time. I like the notion that if someone is good looking enough that you will like them regardless of their hideous personality. It makes me laugh, because there is still a limit for me to how atrocious their behavior can be before starting to look like a haggard, horrendous old troll.
The Error: Stefan was hotter in real life than his photos which I think is important. No one should ever post photos of themselves on dating websites that make them look better in the photo than in real life. They may think they are being very clever luring someone in that way, but it is actually very stupid. Why disappoint your date at the very first moment? Why show that you are untrustworthy from the starting block? What a turn off.
So I wouldn’t say I think Stefan dressed very well, but he was dressed exactly how I thought a helicopter pilot who likes the outdoors would dress; in one of those striped Mexican sarapi looking hoodies and decade old, worn-climbing-a-mountain-looking beige cargo shorts. Not exactly very chic, but it’s not like I was expecting him to be some fashion icon.
Stefan had hair, it was kind of coiffed so big bonus points there, given my fetish for men with good hair. But before I even got a look at him he walked up from behind me and punched me in the shoulder. I have never dated a jock, but this seemed like very cliche jock behavior and on top of being slightly jarring because I was not expecting it, it inevitably became our first topic of conversation. Riveting.
What is with these guys who don’t think about what the first immediate impression will be? I found out why a bit later.
Exiting the mundane conversation regarding getting punched, I immediately make a joke about it being wing night and tell him that if he eats chicken wings in front of me I will never go out with him again. This is one of those jokes that isn’t really a joke, but I said it in a charming, smiling, eyelash batting way that he should have just taken for what it was and laughed. He didn’t. Being a vegetarian, I have much tolerance for many types of meat being eaten in my presence, but chicken wings are not one of them.
His rebuttle for my sly wing comment was, “So, what, just because you don’t want to eat it that means nobody can?”
I sigh. I tell him “I think it is only fair to let you know that watching someone suck the flesh off of a dead carcass doesn’t really flick my switch, you know?” while still trying to give this guy a chance. Why.
Stefan proceeds to ask the price of about five different beers on the menu and on tap, making the girl serving us run around asking questions and causing awkward silences between us since there is not enough time to have a conversation before the server gets back. Also it shows that he gives a rat’s ass about a drink being an extra fifty cents.
After he finally decides on something and is content with the price, next Stefan asks where I work. Well it is a common practice of mine to avoid talking about my work with guys I meet on pof because I am very easy to drop in on at work, google, and stalk in general. I find it far more favorable to get to know the guy a little bit on the first date and tell him of my own volition later on. Not only does it make me more mysterious, and it makes trying to figure it out fun, but it also limits how much they can judge me by it, not to mention blows their minds once I do tell them.
So Stefan doesn’t like that answer and insists that I tell him. Unaffected by my vows that I am more comfortable talking about it later, he persists and in a momentary lapse of feeling overly guarded, I tell him, but immediately begin to wonder how many chances in a row I am going to give this guy. Do I just like his face? Or am I seeing how bad this is going to get?
It then swiftly comes up that Stefan lives with his parents. I am not too sure why he so openly told me this from the first five minutes we were there…maybe he saw that it wasn’t going well and thought he would just go in for the kill? At any rate, he brought it up himself that he is 37 years old and lives in his parents’ basement.
Stupefied, I proceed to ask how such a reality came to be. Stefan then tells me that his long term relationship ended six months before in B.C. and when he moved back to his hometown his parents offered him the basement and he has not yet felt inclined to leave since he often works out of town. I express that six months is a damn long time to live with your parents in between life changes, and he tells me “Well I pay them $500 a month and they are going on trips with the money so I feel bad.”
Good grief. Be a man Stefan.
ask Stefan how long his relationship was, to which he responds was six years long. I then ask him earnestly “Is this the first date you have been on in six years?” Yep.
At this point the waitress coes back to take another order and I make a comment that the waitress is very friendly and that I like servers who are genuine. Stefan asks me “So, are you into women? I mean…have you ever slept with any women?”
My jaw drops. I reply “Even on the last first date you went on, I am pretty sure you knew that it is highly inappropriate to ask a girl if she have ever fucked any other women.” He makes some excuses about how I seemed into her and then suggests that I ask him something inappropriate. I see where this is going…he is trying to speedemon into sex talk. That door closes finitely shut.
After ranting for about twenty minutes about a series of books he read that he insisted I should read all nne of rather than him just telling me about them, he gets on the topic of paying taxes. Stefan then raved enthusiastically about how regular people are slaves for 40% of the year and how if I do two years worth of research into it, that I won’t have to pay taxes either. I explain to him “You seem to really care about money, and I don’t. I am happy to pay the taxes to live the way I live and have streets and hospitals and protection from the bad guys. Two years of my life researching this isn’t worth any amount of money in the world to me. I want to spend my next two years doing whatever I want, not plotting against the government trying to save a few thousand dollars.”
I don’t think he particularly liked that response so without asking me he tells our waitress he would like the bill.
As he got up to leave, he went for my hand to shake it, which I thought was a very suitable move. Then, md-handshake he says “I’m not much of a handshaker” and goes in for the full fledged him standing with his arms around my shoulders, me sitting with my arms at my sides hug.
Shocked that this is still going on a couple of seconds later, and praying for him to let go and just walk away and end this ludicrous event, he says “Hey what have you got in your bag in here?” as he fondles and shuffles my things around in my handbag. IN my purse. An oversized purse perhaps, but my purse no less. My jaw drops again in total revulsion but laughter comes out of it as I finally bid farewell to this disaster of a date. Never again Stefan Helicopter, never again.
It wasn’t until the following day that I noticed that Stefan also didn’t leave enough money for his bill after blatantly saying that he had left enough for a tip. It turned out that this catch of a guy not only lived with his parents and felt up ladies’ purses amongst other star qualities, he also could not add up tax nor tip. He was the whole package.
- Well a word to not only the jocks, but all the men out there going on first dates: There is absolutely no reason to wear a hoodie (Mexican sarapi or not) and your oldest pair of shorts to a first date unless you are going kitesurfing (whatever that is). So if you are meeting in a lounge, wear a button up shirt. Even if you wear it with good jeans, you will look like you cared about looking good for her. If you happen to only have t-shirts, wear your best t-shirt and wear non-jeans with it. Girls notice. Think about it, if the girl showed up wearing yoga pants and a hoodie that says “Princess” on it you would probably not be terrible impressed. Consider that women also want to get an idea of what a man’s body type is. We as the fairer species don’t get the luxurious chance of having men turn up in a skin tight leg-showing, cleavage-advertising ensemble, so think about how you want to portray yourself. As a sweatpants-wearing hobo? Or a respectable classy guy.
- Don’t punch a girl in the shoulder unless you want to be her rugby buddy or her older brother. Plain and simple, treat a lady like a lady unless she gives you reason to believe otherwise. Chances are, she didn’t give you that reason in the first second you approached her.
- Try to take things in stride during the first few minutes you meet someone, taking into consideration that you don’t know their type of humor yet. Regardless of the exact subject, don’t be a rude fuck about a person’s eating habits or preferences when they have a big smile on their face and are being cute about it.
- Don’t be a cheapskate about ordering drink. It’s a turn off, not to mention that it lulls the conversation while you are weighing out in your mind how many quarters you brought with you. This is not exactly a stand up move in the first few minutes you meet someone, just pick a drink. You can act like a diva about your second drink when you’ve had more time to mull it over.
- If a girl is trying to be mysterious about various personal aspects of her life in the first few minutes you meet each other, just let her. Think of it as meeting a stranger in a bar. If she gives you a vague idea of the answer but wants to get to know you a bit better before being specific, consider that it probably isn’t going to make or break your compatibility in the first hour you meet. If you find out a few hours later that she is a stripper or a trucker or some other profession that you might happen to not approve of, well at least you will have a good story to tell.
- If you are over 30, there is no reason why you should live with your parents for any longer than two months while making life changes. Like it or not, thirty-something year old women don’t want to fool around in your mom’s basement regardless of the reason you have for being there. It is great that your parents get to use your rent money to do things that make them happy, but I am pretty sure most parents would rather see their son grow the fuck up and get his own place he can spawn grandchildren in
- Don’t ever under any circumstances take it upon yourself to ask a girl about her sexual history be it with men, or women, or animals, or herself on a first date. If she brings up, sure talk about it all day, but don’t be the pervert who starts sniffing around. You will be judged as exactly that.
- Be prepared to know how to explain yourself if you feel compelled to talk about books and issues your date doesn’t know anything about. Unwillingness to explain the point makes you look like you don’t really know what you are talking about. And it makes you look like a dick. Sometimes a person doesn’t have time to reads nine books by recommendation of a helicopter pilot wearing a sarapi, sometimes she just wants to know why you are even talking about it.
- Don’t bring up money, or paying taxes, or conspiracy theories, or loopholes in the law, or refusals to pay into our infrastructure and government services unless you intend to be judged for it. This is not first date conversation. This is maybe…third date material. Or maybe…never.
- Unless the date went so splendidly that you have not a single doubt in your mind you hit it off, do not go for the hug. Some girls don’t want to touch you and even a handshake is pushing it. But to be polite, certainly a handshake is appropriate for a bad or questionable date. Going for the hug after the handshake is sneaky and creepy and on top of that, not only asking what is in a woman’s bag, but putting your HAND in it, is just unruly. In certain societies that would be enough to call the cops. Don’t talk about a woman’s purse, don’t touch it, and certainly don’t root around in it like it is a bag of jellybeans.
- If you’re not sure how the date went, or if the date didn’t go well, don’t worry about paying the bill at all. But DO definitely leave more than enough money to cover your tax and your share of the tip. Nickel and diming your date as well as the waitress is about as unclassy as a date can be. Learn to multiply in your head, and if you are not smart enough for that, use your phone, and if you are not smart enough for that, just aim high rugby player, aim high.
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