The (Actual) Intimidated Boy Syndrome Theory

bigeyesWritten 2006, revised 2013

It took a few weeks to develop this theory because I guess I didn’t realize how rampant it was in my life and how simplistic and primitive the behaviour is until now. Generalizing is pretty easy when things seem to always turn out the same way but it wasn’t until recently that what I thought was familiar and safe and pure itself, seemed to be taking the form of the same old crappy song and dance it always does.

So it goes like this.

As a human who doesn’t know how to bite my tongue or hold back any annoyances or anger when something truly displeases me, I am in result a very honest individual. Most, if not all people would agree is a good quality. I think there is vast difference between what people agree to and how people react to such “good qualities”. It seems that the blatant dishonesty is of people fooling themselves into believing that an admirable idea is what they really think too. Upon reflection, it’s probably the most common type of deception that there is. It is a really nice notion when you think about it though, everyone aspires to be honest and trustworthy and most people even claim to be such things perhaps without realizing the actual essence of the words. My best friend (and future husband if things keep going as they are going until I turn 40) Chad is the one who pointed this out to me in 2006 when I couldn’t figure out why people around me seem to be such insanely obvious liars.

It’s that they didn’t really know they were lying about it, because the aspiration of being like someone you admire and failing isn’t a deliberate deception.

So as an individual who is abundantly granted the title of intimidating, I’ve finally stopped wondering what everyone was talking about and I think I’ve figured it out. The theories are all over the place but it appears that the most obvious is this: due to my verbal immediate intolerance for that which I disapprove of, the first time I show annoyance or intolerance for something someone says or does to me, they usually get mad at me. They get mad at me for getting mad at them because they did or said something inappropriate to me. That sounds stupid and immature doesn’t it? But it makes sense why people do it; because they are being criticized in some way.

This seems to be a defensive instinct which I completely understand as a person who never really believes herself to be wrong unless proven so. It also seems likely that as a boy who is already intimidated and nervous and unsure of himself who then makes a mistake around me and is called on it, if his confidence is dropped even more due to this occurrence,  that the defensiveness will intensify. So it seems that resentment for me is formed by me being honest, and by being straight forward. It might be fair to say that people don’t want to be around someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. But as a teller of the truth I feel that it is much more fair to suck it up and admit the mistake and then forget about it instead of reminding and dragging it out until there is so much pent up resentment that there is no possible way to alleviate it. This is comparable to trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered relationship without letting go of all of the fights and the piss offs from the past. It’s probably impossible unless one person is willing to change.

So, basically it is probably impossible for me to get along with people who annoy me whatsoever, because the chances of them being able to adapt to my forthright personality are so slim, and the chances of me changing my personality are null. It just might be fair to say that as soon as I have a conflict with someone, I can assume they will not stick around for long. Or even better, I should just kick them out the door and learn that my expectations won’t be so high of my suitors’ tolerance for me anymore! Weee!

In summary, no matter how much I try to convince someone that they already passed the metaphorical test and that I’m not trying to be difficult, people are dishonest with ME and say everything is fine but carry on with hidden animosity for me for pointing out their mistake. This is not in regards to some disagreement that is never resolved, like some agree to disagree thing. This is the hands down, I am definitely in the right and usually get an apology type mistakes. Contrary to the usual belief, I’m not talking about just me thinking I am right about everything all the time. These situations are started BY me being right and the refusal of acceptance of it. I’m thinking if people actually read this and feel like they understand it, that there might be a higher comprehension of what I’m talking about so that people will be conscious not to play into the predictability of it later when it actually occurs.

It must be hard for people to feign being open about everything when they rarely disagree or ever discuss their conflict. The best I can do keeping my mouth shut is at work when I am there as my alter-ego, Mary Sunshine and I am nice to people because it is work. Aside from that, how am I supposed to not opinionate when something is irritating me and I want it to stop? I’m concluding it really doesn’t matter because people don’t want to be told the truth if it is unpleasant or if it means they might have to apologize for something or admit that they did something wrong and get over it.

It looks like people would rather carry their ill-gotten grudges and insufficiently stroked egos to their graves than learn how to appreciate when someone is being totally honest with them.

This theory is far more depressing than I thought.